Today has been one of the hardest days yet since I had Zach. We decided to go through Zach's things from the hospital and funeral home. It was so hard to go through what few things we have that actually belonged to him. Every time I see the little outfit that we put on him in the hospital I just start crying. He was just so tiny and so perfect! I folded up all my maternity clothes and I wanted Tagg to put them in the box that had all of our baby stuff in it. Tagg's cousins were so sweet to us while we were in the hospital and came and cleaned our apartment and boxed up all of the baby clothes and things we had for Zach. After sending Tagg in the other room to put my clothes away I thought I could handle going in and helping him. Boy was I wrong. I took one look at the box and started bawling. I saw all the cute outfits in the box that we had imagined getting him dressed in. It felt so wrong putting all of those things in a box to be tucked away. My heart broke into a thousand more pieces which I didn't think was possible. All of my dreams for my little baby seemed to have been ripped away from me. I know one day I will get the desires of my heart but it isn't today and today is all I can seem to think about. This evening we went to a BBQ for some of the MTC supervisors. One of Tagg's co-workers just had a baby boy two weeks ago and once again, my heart broke even more. I saw their cute little boy with his head full of hair and couldn't helping thinking about Zach and what he would look like right now 8 days after being born. I imagined what it would be like to carry him around in his car seat and show him off to all our friends. My room mom, Mikki, posted the song "I Will Carry You" on her blog after I told her about Zach. I finally got the courage to listen to it today and I can't imagine a more perfect song for the thoughts and feelings I have about Zach. The song is playing on the blog so you can listen to it but I will copy the words below so you can read them as well.
I WILL CARRY YOU
There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this? People say that I am brave but I’m not
Truth is I’m barely hanging on
But there’s a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this
So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who’s chosen me
To carry you
Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says…
I’ve shown her (him) photographs of time beginning
Walked her (him) through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her (him) like this?
I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One Who’s chosen Me
To carry you
The words to this song pretty much say it all. My heart hurts so bad and I feel so empty inside, but I am trying to rely on the Savior to fill the void I am feeling. Tagg and I are going to the temple tomorrow which I am really looking forward to. Thank you for your continued prayers and support. Please don't stop praying!
15 comments:
Oh Katie, how much I wish I could take away all of the pain and heartache you are feeling. I can't even imagine all of the emotions you are feeling right now. That song is beautiful! You are definitely in my prayers and I admire you and your strength even though you may not feel like you are very strong right now. I love you and pray that you will continue to feel the Savior's Love for you and your little family!
we are still praying for you!!! and we love you!!!! your have such an amazing outlook on this and that is such a sweet song!
Katie - I have been hurting and crying all night for you. I know yesterday was a hard day and I know there will be more hard days, but I am dedicating today as a day of fasting just for you. I know that some things can only be overcome through fasting and so today I am fasting and praying that you will continue to feel the Comforter in your life and that the Lord will lead you as you now decide how to move forward. I love you so much and I can honestly say that I know the hurt you are feeling. I feel it through you. I hope your time at the temple is healing...Mom
Katie-Katuie,
I too have cried so many tears for you. I wish so desperately that there was something I could do to soften your pain. Fortunately, we know that Heavenly Father is there to lift you and carry you through this sad time of adjustment. I am pleading that you will find that peace that passes all understanding. As deep and raw as the pain is right now, there WILL be a day when the joy and happiness will conquer and destroy it. I know that seems way down the road. I know that there is NOTHING that can fill that emptiness in you heart and in your arms except the sweet peace that will come as you continue to turn to the Lord for his help. As you do that, you will also feel Zach's sweet spirit lifting you. I'm sure he is sad to see his mom and dad so sad, but I'm sure he loves knowing that HE IS SO LOVED!!! Please know Katie that all of us are praying for you and Tagg at this most difficult time.
I love you so much,
Aunt Valerie
What a tender song. I've been thinking about you so much ever since I found out and am carrying a constant prayer for you with me. You are so strong to have been able to have made it through the dinner with the other baby there. I don't know if I would have been able to do it. You are stronger than you know.
we are praying for you!
I am in tears, Katie!! My heart is breaking for you, I am soo sorry you have to go through this but he knew you were able to do it! I totally understand what you mean when you say people say you are strong and you feel so weak! In my own trials I have had many people tell me how icredibly strong I am but I feel so completely weak and unable to bear the burdens, trials and tragedies that have been given to us. But one day I had a feeling that people were seeing how strong I was because, I was still swimming and wasn't sinking, and most importantly because GOD WAS MAKING ME STRONG!! In ways I never thought possible in times of such heartache! I love you so much and of course prayers will never end in your behalf! Let me know if I can do anything else!!
I love you so much Mag. I am so sorry that you are going through this. I really wish I could do something more for you and Tagg. Chris and I pray for you everyday and that won't stop. You are amazing, even if you don't think so right now. I continue to pray that you'll find peace and comfort in the gospel, the Savior, and the plan. I love you!
what a beautiful song. Katie, I can only imagine how much stronger of a mom you will be because of this. Hearing the sweet blessings and promises of the temple will be a comfort to you and Tagg.
love you and miss you
Katie, I found your blog from Mikki's. I don't know you that well because kindergarten teachers are secluded but I wanted to let you know how amazing of a woman I think you are. Your strength the past couple of weeks has been inspiring. You have brought me to tears with your courage and outlook and strengthened my testimony that families truly are forever. We are praying for you.
Katie and Tagg- I only know you through Mikki's stories of you. My heart aches for your little family. When I heard of precious baby Zach it reminded me of another little boy who shares a similiar story. His name is BabyMac. http://babymckallister.blogspot.com/
Katie
You don't know me but I am friends with your old roommate Laura. She told me about your blog and I had to leave a comment. I lost my baby back in oct at 37 weeks. They don't have a reason for us. It is such a hard road to travel. I am so sorry you now have to do this. No one can say anything to make your heart feel better. It is such a raw pain. Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Zach is beautiful.
Jaymie
Jaymieolsen@yahoo.com
Can't stop thinking about you...and yes, we too are still sending LOTS of prayers your way. We love you.
I just checked your facebook page, and learned about the loss of your sweet baby. I can't imagine what you must be going through right now. I am amazed by your faith. I know the Savior is with you right now. You will be in my prayers, too.
Katie, I wish I could give you a hug. Thank you for sharing your story and thoughts with us. You truly are an inspiration to me.
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