Zachary Tucker Petersen

As most of you know by now, I delivered our baby at 32 weeks on Monday May 10. We don't know what happened, but I went into the hospital because I hadn't felt him move in a day or so. That is when we received the news, "I'm sorry, but there is no heartbeat." Definitely the worst words I have ever heard spoken. At a later date I will post more of a log about what we went through but for today I will just post a few pictures of our sweet little baby and a letter I wrote to him as I was in the hospital waiting to deliver him. As a side note, we decided to name him Zachary because that was supposed to be my name when I was born. My parents were sure I was a boy but then they had to re-think things when my mom gave birth and I turned out to be a girl. Tucker in Tagg's brother's name. Hence the name Zachary Tucker. We call him Zach also, or Z-man for short.

Dear Zachary,
As I sit here in the hospital I feel the inevitable getting closer and closer. I found out yesterday (Mother’s Day) around 7:00 that you would not be making your arrival into this world the way I had hoped and dreamed. I feel like I am in so much pain right now, but I know that the pain I feel now with a stomachache, headache, bleeding and cramps is nothing to what I will experience soon. Through the night I kept dreaming that you were okay and that you were still moving your little legs and arms inside me. Then, I woke up and realized that that dream would not become a reality. Although I am in pain, I am enjoying my last moments with you inside me. I feel so honored to be your Mommy. Although you won’t live to ever call me that or to even see my face, I know you know my voice and you know who I am. I look forward to seeing you after I deliver you even though I know I will have to give you up shortly. I can’t wait to hold you and hug your tiny little body and know that you are going to be mine forever. One day when I get to the other side, you will be the first person I look for. I can imagine calling your name and having you run into my arms. I can feel your little spirit in this room right now as I type this and I know that you love me as much as I love you. Please help give me the strength as I go through the next hours to bring your perfect little body into this world, as I hold you in my arms for the first time and give your hugs and kisses like any other mother would do. Help me as I will bury you and try to go on with my life over the next days, weeks, and months. I was telling your Daddy a few weeks ago how it is really weird that I am never alone anymore. Even when it was just me at home, you were with me. You and I have been connected for the past 32 weeks and I have loved every moment of it. I don’t think I am prepared to go on by myself. I can’t imagine the pain I will feel when we go home without you, when I walk into our apartment and see your clothes and blankets waiting for your grand arrival, when I see an excited mom with her new born baby. In my head I will be trying to imagine what that would be like. I know that because of the Plan of Salvation I will be able to one day raise you, hear your cry and your laugh for the first time, hold you in my arms and stare into your eyes and have you stare back into mine, and hear your sweet little voice say Mommy! Those times seem very distant right now though. It seems so unfair that I have gone from picking out the colors in your nursery to picking out the songs for your funeral. Please know that I love you more than anything in the world. Your Daddy does too. We love you and are so excited to meet you. Thank you for giving me the chance to be your Mom.

I love you!
Mommy