Thoughts About Life

I've been doing a lot of thinking recently. Something I have a lot of time to do now that Tagg started his job. So, I'm sorry if this post seems a bit random and long. One reason I was nervous about moving to Dallas is that none of the people here would know about Zach or understand what Tagg and I have been through the past few months. I didn't want them to think we didn't have a son but I didn't know if I would be able to tell everyone. I didn't look forward to the question of "Do you have any kids?" As it turned out, I was able to tell everyone in Relief Society about Zach the 1st week we were at church. It has been really nice because people have been willing to ask questions about Zach and I've been able to talk about him a lot more then I thought I would. As I've said before, talking about Zach is very therapeutic for me and the worst thing for Tagg and I is when people don't say anything and act like nothing ever happened. Yesterday however, there was a lady at church that was gone my 1st week. Let's call her Sarah because I honestly have no idea what her name is. Sarah's daughter had just had a baby boy two weeks ago and Sarah was out of town visiting her new grand baby. Sarah was so excited about the new arrival. She was showing pictures to everyone. In Relief Society Sarah made an announcement about the new baby and was talking all about the birth and delivery. I couldn't help but feel sorry for myself and think, "If only she knew!" It isn't that I don't want her to be excited about that new healthy baby. I wouldn't want anything else for her and her daughter, but I thought maybe if she knew she wouldn't talk about it as much. (I know that is pretty selfish of me, but I'm still a little sensitive) Well, after church, Sarah and another lady came up to talk to me. The other lady asked about Zach and how and when it happened. I started telling her that it was on Mother's Day and Sarah got big tears in her eyes. She started crying and said she was sorry but she had to go. I didn't really understand her reaction, but after she left the other lady told me Sarah's son drowned on Mother's Day many years ago. Even after all these years, it brought her to tears in an instant. I felt awful! Here I was wanting her to know my story when she has a story of her own. A story that is just as awful and sad as mine, if not worse. Through this whole experience I have learned to try and not judge others. Many people don't know what I have been through and I have no clue what they have or will go through. I can't compare my trials to theirs because we are all given the trials that Heavenly Father has chosen for us. However, sometimes I still find myself thinking, "If only they knew what I have been through the past few months, they'd be nicer, or more compassionate, etc." All I really want is for people to know my story. But now I realize, isn't that what everyone wants out of life? We all have our own stories! Doesn't everyone want their story to be known? Whether it is by your kids, grandkids, friends, or neighbors, you want your story known and remembered. I mean, how awful would it be if no one remembered you when you died? To go even farther though, not only do we want our stories known, but I hope anyway that my story can inspire and help others. I want to live a life that is meaningful not only to me, but to others that come after me.
This brings me to my next point. In my patriarchal blessing I am told I will live a long, happy, and NORMAL life. Before May 10th, I thought normal meant easy. I've come to learn that normal is anything but easy. Loosing a baby didn't seem normal to me. I was talking to my mom and she said normal means you will have trials. How true that is. No one will get through this life without their own Gethsemane or ultimate trial. If you did, I'm sure you'd feel unworthy in the presence of our Heavenly Father, Savior, and all the other amazing people that will be in the Celestial Kingdom that had their own trials to overcome. We have to be proven before we can enter into the presence of the Lord so I should have known that normal would mean I'd be asked to do hard things. However, I was told that I'd have a normal AND happy life. So, if normal means hard things are going to happen, can I still be happy? There was a time after I lost Zach that I wondered if I would ever be truly happy again. While I still miss him and I still feel like a part of my heart is with him in Heaven, I have felt true happiness. Since I had Zach I've been really anxious for the month of July to be over. I wanted my due date to pass, I wanted to get moved in, and I wanted all my friends that were due around the same time I was to have their babies. Basically, I wanted to get it all over with. Skip the month of July and go straight to August. Surprisingly though, I have really enjoyed July. I'm trying to find joy in the journey that Heavenly Father has asked me to go through and that I signed up for. Was it hard when my dear friend texted me a picture of her new baby boy at the same time I was going to visit my baby at the cemetery? Yes. Was it hard leaving my apartment that I thought I would bring my baby home to? Yes. Was it hard when my due date came and I didn't have Zach with me? Yes. Have I had to do a million other hard things? Yes, but so have you. Through all of this I've learned that not only can I do hard things, but I can try and find happiness as well. It isn't easy, and I still feel sad at times, but I am really trying to work at it.
For those of you that actually made it though this whole post, thank you! I don't know how many of you actually read everything I put on here but it has been very healing for me to get my thoughts "written" down. I've really loved all the comments from friends and strangers as well. Thank you for your love and support and please keep praying! (Especially that I will get a job soon.) For now I will leave you with one of my favorite pictures of my angel baby.