Zach's Due Date

I have been eagerly anticipating the passing of this day. Back in October when we found out we were expecting I thought this day was going to be one of the best of my life. I imagined dressing our little baby in 4th of July attire even if it came later than the 4th. Every Sunday I added another week to my pregnancy and kept counting on. I got so excited when I hit the double digits, then when I got into the 20's and we found out we were having a boy. We were really excited. Actually truth be told I was a little upset as I am sure many of you remember. Although now, I can't imagine any other little spirit in our family besides Zach. Then into the 30's. I felt like I was almost there and I was getting so close I was counting down the weeks now instead of counting up. Then it was Mother's Day. Only 8 weeks left! Little did I know that was as far as I would get in my pregnancy with Zach. I now wish I hadn't counted the weeks so quickly. I wish I had enjoyed the time he was in me a little bit more. I am now 8 weeks away from when I had Zach. I can't believe it has been 8 weeks. We miss him so much but are hopeful in the future. I have a new song I put on my blog for you to listen to if you would like. My cousin gave it to me and it is very fitting.

Dear One, we've been waiting for you.
We're thrilled, beside ourselves, that you've arrived.
White coats came in, heads held low, and talked for a bit, shuffled outside.
We closed the curtains and held each other, and cried.
We said hello at the same time that we said goodbye.

The smallest and wingless, leaving as soon as you arrived.
Sadness is just loved wasted, with no little heart to place inside.
We closed the curtains and held each other, and cried.
We said hello at the same time that we said goodbye.

Dear Zach,
Today is the day you were supposed to be joining our family. I miss you so much. Life is very different than I thought it was going to be right now. I thought I would be seeing you for the first time, holding you in my arms and enjoying the privilege of being a mom, a blessing I have waited for my whole life. I can't believe it has been 8 weeks since your Dad and I found out you had been taken from this world. I loved every minute I had of holding you and singing to you and kissing you. I can't wait for the time when I will be able to do that again. Your dad and I are starting to feel a lot better about things. We still have hard days and moments, but we find joy in knowing that Heavenly Father needs you more than we do right now. When I think about seeing you again and raising you one day I get so excited! I know that Heavenly Father used me as a vessel to bring your body into this world so you can receive eternal life. How grateful I am for that privilege. I still think about you almost all the time. I wonder what it would be like to have you still here with us. I wonder if you would've been a happy baby. I wonder if you would've been a good eater and if you would've spit up all the time like I did. I wonder what color your eyes would be, what your first word would be and what your favorite color would be. I wonder if you would've been a Momma's boy or a Daddy's boy. I wonder if you would've liked playing with cars and tractors like your Dad did. One thing I am so glad I don't have to wonder about though is if you will make it to the Celestial Kingdom. I don't have to wonder if you're okay or if you're safe. For that I am thankful. Your Dad and I just moved to Dallas and while the room we thought would be yours seems a little empty, we are excited for what lies ahead. I hope you know how much we love you and miss you. Thank you for being such a special spirit and for letting me be your mom.