My mind then of course took me to Zach. At times I feel guilty because of how much I love Beckett. I don't want to say that I love Beckett more than Zach, but I know him more and have had so many more experiences with him. It is a very different kind of love. I started to wonder what life would be like with Zach right now. I wonder why he couldn't have lived for just a little while outside of me. Why couldn't he have taken just a few breaths? I wonder what he'd be doing now at 17 months. I wonder if he would've had the same laugh that Beckett has. Is there something that happens when Tagg's genes cross with mine that will make all our children sound like squeak toys? (I kinda hope so!) I wonder if he would've been ticklish. I wonder if he would like carrots and peas as much as Beckett does. I wonder if he would've weighed 21 lbs at 6 months. I wonder what would make him laugh and cry. I wonder if he would think I'm as funny as Beckett thinks I am. I wonder when he would've gotten his first tooth, and started to crawl and walk. I wonder if Zach and Beckett would look alike. I wonder what his first word would've been. I wonder what it would be like to not dread the question, "Is this your first baby?" or "Is he your only one?" Have you ever noticed how much that question is asked?
At times I feel like Zach is slipping away from me. I hate that feeling. I think that's part of the healing process though. The pain doesn't cut as deep which is good, but in a way that makes his memory more distant. I started really missing my sweet angel. I think it was a tender mercy from Heavenly Father that I could have some "one on one" time with Zach. Just thinking about him. I prayed to Heavenly Father and all I could say was, "Please tell Zach I love him!" over and over again. I can't wait to hold my baby in my arms one day and get the answers to all the things I wonder.
I couldn't find the picture of Beckett that I wanted to post with this, but I think you can tell from this picture as well that my boys have a lot of the same features. My nose, Tagg's lips, and big cheeks.
5 comments:
Don't think the memory of Zach is slipping away, Katie. It's not! It's just becoming easier and more a part of your life experience and very much a part of why you love Beckett so much. Believe me, I think about Zach all the time. And I'm sure Beckett will one day too when he's old enough to understand what happened to his big brother. Zach will always remain in the memory of those who care enough to remember... And that's really all that matters!
Mag this is a really sweet post! I think it is obvious to everyone who knows you or has read this that you love both Beckett and Zach SO much. Of course you know them differently, but it's all part of the plan... THE plan. How blessed we are to know that plan! You are an amazing mother to those boys. Love you all!
Love what both Lynn and McKenna said and I couldn't agree more. Just wish you didn't make my cry so much every time you share your beautiful thoughts. Your experiences raising Beckett will one day be experienced with Zach. In a way you are more fortunate than many because you still have that great blessing waiting in your future. Meanwhile, enjoy every minute of the blessing that is Beckett.
I don't know why I decided to go to your blog whenever you are talking about ZACH! I was just in tears!! I know even with the small faith that I have right now, that YOU will get have ONE ON ONE with Zach! I have felt that with my visits to his graveside. In my recent prayers and I also know that I will get some one on one time with Angela and I will get to spend time with those loved ones who so badly want the same thing we want with them! They have the same desires and I know that!! I love you Katie!!!
Loved this post Katie! I have wondered a lot of the same things you shared and felt a lot of the same things. Thanks for sharing! Hope that you are doing well. Beckett looks like a fun little guy!
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