This blog has really become the Beckett blog which I'm not going to apologize for because he's the real reason most of you get on this blog. And he is far cuter and funnier than his parents. But, yesterday I was really missing Z-man. We went to our first Sunday in our new ward. It seems like a very nice ward and we're excited to get to know everyone better. However, I couldn't stop thinking about Zach and how no one in this ward knows about him. We moved into our old ward just a few weeks after I had Zach so everything was so fresh. They all knew about him and were so excited as I went through my pregnancy with Beckett. Now we're in a new ward again and no one experienced the sorrow of losing Zach or the joy of having Beckett. I'm sure people will ask us the question that causes me anxiety. "How many kids do you have?" Such a simple question that I hate being asked because while it is a simple answer to me, it always requires an explanation to others. In Relief Society, they asked if I would introduce myself and the whole time I was thinking should I say something about Zach or not? They also handed me a paper to fill out and one of the items was to list your children and their birthdays. Again, do I list Zach or not? I want to always include him, but I always have to include he was stillborn and that is awkward for some people. They don't entirely know how to handle that. I've found that stillborn babies are confused for miscarriges often and some people may not think that Zach is really my baby and a part of my eternal family. I don't really care if they think that because it has been made very clear to me on more than one occasion that Zach is mine and I will raise him one day. I know this without a shadow of a doubt. I was so worried about all of this that I was relieved when Beckett started getting fussy and I had to take him out before I had the chance to introduce myself and my family. I went and found Tagg and asked him what he thought I should do. Let me just take a minute to say how much I love my husband. He said exactly what I was hoping he would say. "Tell them about Zach." He told me to write him down on the paper. I'm so glad that Zach is just as important and real to Tagg as he is to me. It would be so much harder if he wasn't. So, I went to Relief Society and wrote Zach down on my paper. And, I ended up not introducing myself yesterday, but next week when I do, I will tell them about Zach. I want everyone to know about him and I want everyone to know that I love talking about him and that he is an important part of my life. I still hate the question "How many kids do you have" and I probably always will. I have answered with 1 and 2 depending on the situation and who I'm talking to. If it's someone I'm never going to be in contact with again I often say one because it is just easier. In the airport the other day I was with Tagg and Beckett in the security line and a lady was going gaga over Beckett. She said, "I assume he's your only one." Tagg and I both just nodded our heads and said, "um, yeah..." The lady laughed a little as she asked the question and also made a comment about if we had another kid we must have lost him somewhere or left him at Grandma's. In my head I thought, "I left him with his Father in Heaven." If he can't be with me, that's the next best place.
I don't really know anyone else that had a stillborn baby. I don't know how they answer the question. Part of me thinks it would've been so much easier if he had at least taken a few breaths because then he would be listed on the records of the church and I could say he actually lived and passed away instead of that he was stillborn. The more I say that word, "stillborn" the more I hate it.
I miss my little boy and I can't believe we are coming up on 2 years in a few months. I look forward to the day I get to see him again and hold him in my arms. I'm so thankful that for the time being I have Beckett to hold on to. I love my boys! BOTH of them!
And for those of you that made it through this whole post, here is an oldie but a goodie. One of my favorite pictures of Beckett.
5 comments:
I just love you, Cady. This post made me shake my fist at the injustice of the world and smile at your amazing spirit AT THE SAME TIME! And not that my opinion matters, but I agree with Tagg. You are momma to two beautiful boys and death can not change that. Miss you.
I COMPLETELY understand! Gavin's 6th birthday was this last Friday. He's still a HUGE part of our life and family. Most of the time we say we have 3 to people who ask but WE know we have 4. It only comes up to people that we know better. It's not always the right time for other people but that doesn't make him any less of our son. Zach is yours forever and you should definately share him when you want to. I think you should with your ward members, too. Especially since you just got a HOUSE (congrats on that!) and you will be there a while.
I love the honesty in your posts! Congrats on your house that is so exciting! I am with you I don't understand why people link stillborn and miscarriage together... it may just be because they have never experienced the loss of either. We say that we have 2 as hard as it is for people to understand I just can't bring myself to leave Blaze out. Those who love you and want to get to know you will love you even more for being willing to share something so sacred and a huge part of your life with them. You are vulnerable to all sorts of misunderstanding as a Mom with an angel in heaven and one on earth but he Zach is a part of your family. I have said we only have 1 sometimes to people I just don't know and each time it aches a little but I am sure our angels know they are a part of our families always. Best of luck in your new ward and with your new house SO EXCITING!!! Beckett is DARLING that picture is so cute!!
Wow, Katie. I am in tears over here, and I wish I would have known I was going to cry right before I'm supposed to leave for work! Haha. I actually was thinking about you the other day and what you say when people ask you that question. I think about Zach all the time, especially when I see pictures of sweet little Beckett. I always wonder how much they would look alike now or how much of bffs they would be. You'll know the answer to those questions someday! For now, don't be afraid to tell people you have 2 children. The way people react is their choice and their issue. Personally, I have learned a lot from Zach's loss. The difference between stillborn and miscarriage. I am a lot more sympathetic to the word "stillborn" now. And I thank you for that-- being so open about everything and not afraid to share with those of us who care about you and Tagg the details of it all. Maybe you can teach the next person who has no idea there is a difference either. Always thinking of you guys!
A friend of mine had a stillborn over 6 years go. Whenever she introduces herself she mentions Jackson that he would be.....years old. He's yours. Claim him every chance you get!
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