4 weeks

Today, I thought I would be four weeks away from having Zach. However, it has now been four weeks since we stepped foot into American Fork Hospital and received the news that has changed our lives forever. I feel like part of me is still in shock and hasn't fully realized what has happened. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I'm actually not pregnant anymore. When I feel my stomach grumble I think my baby is moving. Then the realization sets in and I remember everything I have gone through the past 4 weeks. That's always a depressing moment. Overall, things are getting better. I cry a little less everyday. Every few days I will have a hard day again and I feel like I'm back where I started. It's still hard to be around pregnant women and to see little newborn babies. I wonder if I will always have a pit in my stomach when I see a pregnant lady, wishing that was still me. Sometimes I feel a little uncomfortable in my own skin. Being pregnant was part of my identity. Being a mom was going to be my identity after the 4th of July. Now all of that has been taken away and at times I just feel awkward, like I am not quite sure what to do or where I fit in. When I hear of my friends getting pregnant or having a baby I feel so jealous towards them. I try to be happy for them, because I really do hate feeling jealous. I just hope they know how lucky they are! Then I remember how blessed I am to have an angel baby. To have such a perfect spirit join my family. Not everyone can say they know their child is going to the Celestial Kingdom. However, I can say without a doubt in my mind that Zach will be there. I have so much more motivation to live everyday the best I can. I think back on my pregnancy and I can't believe that I had a spirit inside of me that was so close to, and so loved by my Father in Heaven. I do feel honored that He trusted me with such a pure spirit and I just hope that I gave Zach all he needed. I still feel anger at times, sadness, loneliness,sorrow and a bit empty inside. But, the good news is that I am feeling happiness, joy, hope, peace, and at times even excitement for when I get to see my baby again and raise him during the millennium when Satan is bound! The good emotions (on most days now) outweigh the bad which I am grateful for. I am beginning to enjoy life a bit more even though I feel like a piece of me is missing. I have been told that will never go away but I'm trying to find joy in doing the things I loved to do before I had Zach. We saw Zach's grave marker for the first time yesterday and it is perfect. I was so glad to finally see it in person. A big thank you to all our family and friends who stop by, sometimes on a daily basis, to check on the grave and make sure everything looks good. When I was sitting at his grave yesterday I started to get very angry thinking how unfair it is that I have to go to the cemetery to visit my baby. Then I remembered how blessed I am to have even had a baby. Especially a baby that is leading me on the right path. On Zach's grave marker we put the scripture that says, "a little child shall lead them." How true that statement is for my family. I feel like Zach is more of a parent to me then I could ever be to him. He is teaching me so much and for that I am grateful. I know this has been a very random post but I just wanted to get out a few thoughts I have running through my head. Thank you again for your prayers and support. I know I wouldn't be doing as well as I am if it wasn't for your love.