The Beckham Family

Today I went to a funeral for a 22 month old little boy that died on Halloween after fighting a battle with cancer for just over a year.  I had never met this little boy and I've never met his parents, but my heart is completely broken.  This family is in our new ward and I had heard about them and their sweet little boy, Case, but because of all the treatments he had undergone, they hadn't been at church for a while.  When I got the email that their little boy had passed away, I just started bawling.  I volunteered to help bring some food and help out at the luncheon that would be at the church after the funeral.  All day yesterday and this morning I was a little apprehensive about going.  I knew it was going to be hard, but I didn't know it would be as hard as it was.  It was all too familiar.  The flowers, the words of comfort, the tiny casket.
This morning I was thinking about Zach and our last moments with him before we put him in his casket. Those were sacred and special moments. I was thinking of this family and how they were probably at that very moment holding the body of their little angel for the last time.  
Besides my own son's funeral, I've never cried so much or felt so heartbroken at a funeral.  I was reliving everything we went through with Zach.  It has been almost exactly 2.5 years since we buried him but as I sat there, it felt like it was yesterday.  As I was listening to talks being given, half the time I heard the words the speaker was saying, and half the time I heard the words that were shared at Zach's funeral.
My heart is broken knowing all this family has gone through, and knowing they still have such a long road ahead of them.  The good news is they have one other son they can love and hold on to.  Case had neuroblastoma and had undergone 14 rounds of chemo.  His father talked about a program called "Beads of Courage" where the child gets a bead for every medical procedure or milestone they experience along their treatment journey.  Case had 1,078 beads.  I'm sure a part of them is so thankful they don't have to watch their little boy suffer anymore.  His father summed it up perfectly when he said, "Case, we know you're in a better place, but man are we going to miss you!" A part of me is jealous that they have so many memories with their little boy.  I feel a little robbed that I don't have any memories with Zach, but I'm also grateful.  I'm sure every memory you have just makes it that much harder to pick up the pieces of your shattered heart.  They will now walk past his room and hear silence instead of laughter. They will have to go home and take down the crib and put away the toys and the clothes Case used which will be unbearably hard. The Beckham's know what they are missing out on now.  They know his personality, his likes and dislikes, and the funny things he did which will add to the pain and heartache.
Case was only a few months older than Beckett.  So many of Case's favorite things that his dad shared are the same as Beckett's.  I kept imagining what my life would be like if I lost Beckett now and I can't even imagine the horror that would be.
No dad should ever have to carry their child's casket.  No mom should have to pick out speakers and songs for their child's funeral.  No parent should have to pick out their child's resting spot and grave marker. Watching this Dad hold a corner of Case's casket in one hand and his older son's hand in the other was an image I'll never forget.  My mind kept flashing back to Tagg carrying Zach's casket.  It was small enough that he carried it by himself in his arms.  That has to be the most hearbreaking walk a dad will ever take.
Going to this funeral today opened a wound in my heart that is probably going to take a few days to heal.  I'm so thankful I've come as far as I have since we lost Zach.  I never want to go through losing a child again, but in the few months following the loss, the veil is so thin and the spirit and outpouring of love from our Father in Heaven is so strong. I miss Zach so much and I truly can't wait for the day when we are resurrected and I get to hold him in my arms again.  Families are FOREVER and those aren't just words of comfort.  They are true words that I know and believe in with all my heart.
If you are in a position to help this family with all the medical and funeral bills they have acquired over the past year, or if you want to know more about their story, go to their blog http://casebeckham.blogspot.com/ and please keep them in your prayers.