In An Instant

When I left for college, my mom sent me a letter about how our lives can change in an instant. She was referring to the 30-year chapter in her life that had closed in an instant when I left for college. I’ve thought about this letter a lot since I received it almost 10 years ago (Wow, I’m getting old!). Life is made up of many moments that shape who we are. They can be big, they can be small, but many of those instants change the course of our lives forever.  As I reflect on those moments in my life, there are a few that stand out.  Being at Blockbuster with McKenna and bumping into her friend, Tagg.  The instant I said “YES” when Tagg was down on one knee.  Saying “YES” as I knelt across the alter from my sweetheart in the Logan Temple where we were sealed for time and all eternity.  The 4 moments when I found out I was pregnant. The 3 times I held my babies in my arms for the first time. 2 of those moments were the most incredible and joyous moments of my life, and 1 was just so heartbreaking. And the 2 instants I heard those 3 little words, “There’s no heartbeat.” Those are some of the moments that changed my life forever.  

Tomorrow will mark 4 years since I had Zach.  The instant I was told his heart was no longer beating is something I will never forget.  It was about 7pm on Mother’s Day, May 9^th.  I can still remember the clothes I wore to the hospital, the room I was in, the color of the wallpaper, the tiny little sonogram machine they wheeled in, and the nurses that came in one after another to try and find the heartbeat, until the midwife on duty came in to say out loud what everyone was thinking in their heads.  I remember those agonizing moments as we waited for my doctor to arrive and then asking him "Are you sure?" I remember him showing me my baby's heart on the monitor, and it was completely still. I remember the heartbreaking phone calls that had to be made to our parents. I’m not sure how they even understood what I was saying through the sobs. 

As I sit here, 4 years since his passing, I’m so thankful for where I am now.  I’m so thankful that those dark and depressing days are behind me.  The sadness and heartache that I felt in the days and months after Zach died was so deep, intense and gut wrenching that it’s really indescribable.  I can put every horrible adjective in front of it and it still won’t adequately express the sense of pain and loss I felt.  There are still hard times and days where I miss him so much, but the pain isn’t as deep. Life moves on and you figure out how to live without the one you love so dearly, but you’re always hoping they aren’t forgotten. The hard times are good in a way because it keeps their memory real and alive.

The experience of losing a baby is one I would never wish upon my worst enemy.  However, I have learned and grown so much since having Zach.  Heavenly Father was stretching me in ways I didn’t know was possible.  I had to grow up quickly in those months after I lost Zach.  I often say I have an old soul.  I sometimes don’t feel like I fit in with people my age because I feel like I changed SO much because of Zach.  I’m not the same person I was before I had him, which honestly I’m grateful for.  I’m a better mom, wife, and person because of the things I learned.  I still have a long way to go, but I hope that my Father in Heaven is proud of who I’m becoming.  Zach has changed me and my life for good, and for that I’m grateful.

How lucky we are that life is made up of not only great moments, but the hard ones as well.  Can we truly know happiness if we never experience pain?  While tomorrow will bring some heartache, it will also bring joy. Joy in the Plan of Salvation, joy in the boys that I am lucky enough to have right now, joy in eternal marriage, joy in my Savior and the atonement, and joy that I KNOW that families can be together forever.