I've been thinking a lot about the Because of Him video the church put out for Easter. I absolutely love the video! I shared it in my lesson last Sunday and I just think the message of it is awesome. Really, everything we have and do is because of Him. The past week I've been thinking a lot about Zach. Oh how I miss him! There are so many things I can't wait to learn about him someday. The past few days he's been on my mind a little more than usual. My friend had a baby on Thursday that passed away about an hour after he was born. This was her 3rd child and I'm somewhat obsessed with her kids. They are seriously some of the cutest kids I've ever seen. I kept checking her Facebook, instagram and blog for an update as I knew she had a scheduled c-section. Finally, she posted a picture to Facebook. It was the sweetest picture of her, her husband and their new sweet addition. As I read her post, the air was almost sucked out of me. She shared how after about an hour of life, he returned to live with his Heavenly Father. The tears just started pouring down my cheeks. I couldn't believe it. My heart was broken for her and her little family. All of those questions that I once asked myself started forming in my mind. How? Why? What happened? She said that he was perfect and healthy one minute and then the next, he was gone. She is just now beginning the nightmare I once faced. In the days after I lost Zach, I just wanted to sleep. I wanted to go to sleep so I could wake up and realize I was having the longest, most horrible nightmare ever. I wanted to wake up and have it not be my reality. However, sleep didn't come easily and the realization that it was my new reality set in all too quickly. I think about all my friend is going through and will go through. Going home empty handed. Planning a funeral. Holding your sweet baby for the last time. Packing up the baby clothes and cleaning out the nursery. Trying to continue on with normal life while really all you want to do is sit there and cry. For months after Zach passed I just went through the motions. I didn't live life. I pretended to live. On the outside I may have looked okay, but inside there was a gaping whole in my heart that made it hard to breathe at times.
As I am now almost 4 years away from the darkest day I've experienced, I can truly say that Because of Him, I was able to find peace, comfort and joy again. It took a long time, but it came. I remember in the days after we buried Zach, I would pray for what seemed like hours. I had no words though. I just knelt, cried, and said help. I figured Heavenly Father knew the words I couldn't form.
I often look at my boys and wonder what it would be like to have another one running around with them. I wonder how they'd interact and play together. I wonder what kind of trouble they'd get in together. But, Because of Him, I don't have to just wonder. One day, I will be able to KNOW! I will know Zach just like I know my boys because I will raise him one day. All of that is because the Savior suffered in Gethsemane and gave His life so I could be with my baby and with my Father in Heaven again one day.
Because of Him, I can have an eternal family, I can be forgiven of my sins, I can find peace and comfort during my darkest hours, I can love more fully and be a better wife and mother.
President Monson said about death, "It inevitably represents a painful loss of association and, particularly in the young, a crushing blow to dreams unrealized, ambitions unfulfilled, and hope vanquished." (You can read the rest of his talk here) I'm so thankful that Because of Him, "Death is conquered, man is free. Christ has won the victory!"
I will end with one of my favorite scriptures. It's found in Revelation 21:4. "And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away." What a glorious day it will be when these things come to pass!
As I am now almost 4 years away from the darkest day I've experienced, I can truly say that Because of Him, I was able to find peace, comfort and joy again. It took a long time, but it came. I remember in the days after we buried Zach, I would pray for what seemed like hours. I had no words though. I just knelt, cried, and said help. I figured Heavenly Father knew the words I couldn't form.
I often look at my boys and wonder what it would be like to have another one running around with them. I wonder how they'd interact and play together. I wonder what kind of trouble they'd get in together. But, Because of Him, I don't have to just wonder. One day, I will be able to KNOW! I will know Zach just like I know my boys because I will raise him one day. All of that is because the Savior suffered in Gethsemane and gave His life so I could be with my baby and with my Father in Heaven again one day.
Because of Him, I can have an eternal family, I can be forgiven of my sins, I can find peace and comfort during my darkest hours, I can love more fully and be a better wife and mother.
President Monson said about death, "It inevitably represents a painful loss of association and, particularly in the young, a crushing blow to dreams unrealized, ambitions unfulfilled, and hope vanquished." (You can read the rest of his talk here) I'm so thankful that Because of Him, "Death is conquered, man is free. Christ has won the victory!"
I will end with one of my favorite scriptures. It's found in Revelation 21:4. "And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away." What a glorious day it will be when these things come to pass!
2 comments:
Katie - my heart has been so heavy since you shared this sad occurrence with Dad and I earlier tonight. Reading your thoughts has brought back very tender thoughts of our experience with Zach. Those were the darkest days of our lives, and yet the time when our faith was reinforced and the Savior literally carried us through it all. We just had our family prayer and Dad prayed for Micci and Jazz by name. Hopefully they will feel the love and prayers from people who may not even know them, but who share in their feelings of loss. I pray they will feel the comfort that can only come through the atonement and will be carried through whatever lies ahead for them.
I too was touched by the Because of Him campaign. thank you so much for adding your sure testimony. You are such a strong and beautiful person. each time I read your words I walk away feeling like I know even more that the gospel is true!!
love you
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