Heartbroken...again

I have been thinking about how to write this post for the past 24 hours.  I wasn’t sure what to say or how I would be able to clearly convey all that’s on mind. So, I’ll start at the beginning and go from there.

Yesterday, (Thursday, August 30) I went in for a routine checkup.  I was 17 weeks along.  Everything was normal, as far as I knew.  The nurse listened for the heartbeat on the Doppler.  She couldn’t find it and she said there was a lot of static so she went and got a different Doppler.  Still couldn’t find it.  She said she would go get the ultrasound machine and send the doctor in. I was a little worried, but not too worried because this same nurse hadn’t been able to find the heartbeat at a previous appointment.  I called Tagg to let him know what was going on.  The doctor came in and started looking at the ultrasound.  He had it facing him so I couldn’t see it.  It seemed like minutes were passing and he wasn’t saying anything.  Then he looked at Beckett and asked how old he was.  I told him 16 months.  I knew he was delaying telling me something so I then asked if everything was okay.  I know he didn’t know what to say but he said, “I’m sorry, I thought it was obvious, but there is no heartbeat.”  Not the most eloquent way to say it but, really, is there a good way to tell a mom her baby’s heart is no longer beating?  

I burst into tears and couldn’t believe this was happening to me…again!  I was feeling much less anxious this time around so  I was completely blindsided.  I called Tagg and he was devastated.  We only have one car so he got a ride to the doctor’s office from our sweet neighbor. The doctor hadn't told me much at that point because he wanted to wait for Tagg to be with me.  All I knew was that I was 17 weeks, but the baby only measured about 15 weeks.  I was also told I would have to deliver this baby vaginally.  I was far enough along that a D and C was not an option as the baby was too big and it wouldn’t be safe for me.  

Once Tagg got to the office we found out a few more details.  There is an area between a miscarriage and a stillbirth that they call a fetal demise.  Seriously, isn’t that the worst name ever! The doctor told me I could go to hospital as soon as I wanted or I could wait a few days if that felt better to me.  I didn’t want to delay things any longer than I needed to so we headed home and got a few things together, dropped Beckett off at our friends' house and then headed to the hospital.  The drive to the hospital was not fun.  My mind kept taking me back to my experience with Zach.  While this was very different, it was also very similar.  We got checked in at the hospital around 12:30pm.  The doctor explained what was going to happen and I felt so experienced already.  They did the exact same things to get me ready to deliver this baby that they did with Zach.  The first dose of medicine was at 2:15 and then they would give me another dose every 4 hours until I delivered the baby. 

Tagg and I tried to “relax” as we waited, we watched TV and got a little bit of sleep.  At 6:15, more medicine.  The dose they had put in at 2:15 had basically done nothing so I figured it was still going to be a while before my body was ready to deliver.  It took a full 24 hours with Zach but I was told since this was my 3^rd delivery and this baby was much smaller, it probably wouldn’t take that long.

My parents got to the hospital around 6:30.  I was so thankful they were able to rearrange their schedules to come up and be with us.  We did a lot of talking and it was good to be able to express our thoughts and feelings to them.

I delivered the baby around 9:30 in a very traumatizing way.  One that I will never forget, but I will spare you the details on this blog. The good news is that I was able to dilate and give birth without much pain.  They waited about an hour for the placenta to deliver but it never came so they prepared me for the D and C. I really didn’t want an epidural so they gave me general anesthesia for the surgery.  I remember going into the OR, and the next I think I remember was waking up freezing cold and shaking in my room. 

At this point it was about 1:00 in the morning. I was able to sleep great through the night and we left the hospital around 10:00 this morning. 

The baby was a little girl. I know this is a very personal decision, but we decided not to name her. With Zach I knew 100% that he was my baby. I knew his spirit had entered his body.  I knew if he had he been born a day earlier, he would have been a viable baby.  This time around, honestly, I’m just not sure.  In my head I was 17 weeks pregnant, but the baby’s heart stopped beating around 15 weeks.  That is just so early.  Had it been a week or two earlier it would have been called a miscarriage.  I hate being in this weird gray area where it wasn’t a miscarriage, but it wasn’t a stillbirth. Tagg and I both felt that this situation was different from Zach.  I had never felt this baby move and I was not nearly as attached to this baby as I was to Zach.  That is why we decided to not name this little girl or bury her.  I believe that her spirit will be a part of my eternal family.  Whether that spirit gets to try again with another body at some point, or whether she will be standing there waiting for me with Zach, she is mine.  

We are feeling such a sense of peace despite everything that has happened. We do have our ups and downs, as expected.  We don’t know why this happened and we probably never will.  They're going to do some testing on the baby and the placenta, but they say the chances of actually finding something are pretty slim.  I don’t know what will happen in the future.  I know that I’ve now given birth 3 times and I've only had one successful delivery.  Those are not good odds, but as the doctor said, I have had once successful pregnancy so we know it can be done. Even without the answers, we're hopeful for the future, trusting Heavenly Father and His plan for us. 

We appreciate all the love and support that has been shown to us at this difficult time.  Thank you for the phone calls, emails, and texts letting let us know you care about our family.  It's amazing how much having Beckett around helps the situation.  Unlike when we lost Zach, I don't have to go home to an empty crib.  My arms aren't empty and aching for a baby to hold. I am so grateful for the Savior who I know from past experience, will heal my broken heart.  I have faith and hope in the future, but for now, I’m holding onto Beckett even tighter and I’m trying to be grateful for what I have right now in my life.