How Things Are Going

The past few days have been a whirlwind.  Sometimes I can't believe all that we went through, but then  I remember I'm not pregnant anymore and I remember it all really did happen.  Overall, I think I'm doing as good as I can be.  With Zach I wished so badly that he could've just taken one breath.  One breath so I didn't have to say he was stillborn and so he could be on the records of the church.  With this experience, I just kept wishing everything could've happened 2 weeks earlier.  If the baby's heart stopped beating at 13 weeks it would've been a miscarriage.  Miscarriages are hard and I pray I never have to have one, but unfortunately many women have miscarriages.  If it would've been a miscarriage, I wouldn't of had to give birth.  I could've just had a D and C.  Going through the labor process made everything worse and harder to deal with, and then I had to have a D and C on top of it all. If this all would've happened a few weeks earlier, we wouldn't have announced that we were pregnant yet so we could've just gone through this privately.  However, it didn't happen that way and wishing it would've doesn't change the situation.  I know the baby stopped growing at 15 weeks, but in my head I was 17 weeks pregnant.  I knew they would induce me at least a few weeks early so I thought I was almost half way done with this pregnancy.   That again, makes it harder.  Through everything I've been telling myself that I don't want to make this bigger than it is, but I also don't want to brush it under the rug and not deal with it.  I'm pretty much letting my emotions do what they want.  If I feel like crying, I cry.  If I feel happy, I let myself be happy and I don't feel bad about it.

The first time I put Beckett to bed after all this happened, I had a meltdown and bawled like a baby. Part of me felt such a sense of loss and sadness that I wouldn't be able to rock another baby to sleep as soon as I thought I'd be able to.  Another part of me was so grateful that I AM able to put Beckett to bed. I also started thinking about the future.  Tagg and I want to have more kids, but what if Beckett is the only baby I ever get to rock to sleep?  I just don't know what the future is going to bring so I need to enjoy all the experiences I'm having with Beckett.

I think the hardest thing for me has been the uncertainty of the future.  We never really found a reason why Zach's heart stopped.  After a successful pregnancy with Beckett, I figured what happened to Zach was just supposed to happen.  He came to earth and fulfilled his short mission in life.  Now that this has happened twice though, there is obviously something that predisposes my body to have this happen.  We just don't know what that something is.  We have no real answers to help us in the future.  I guess that's where faith comes in.  I'm trying to have faith that in the future we will have more successful pregnancies but sometimes fear gets the better of me.

And last but not least, things I've learned/realized this time around:
-Making it through the first trimester doesn't put me in the safe zone.
-Beckett makes this loss much easier to bear.
-I've given birth every year for the past 3 years. 2010, 2011 and 2012.  I guess we'll see what 2013 brings.
-I've been pregnant for a total of 85 weeks.  That's about 20 of the past 34 months when I got pregnant with Zach, but I only have one baby to take care of.
-Sometimes having faith is really hard.
-Sometimes we get to choose if we will accept Heavenly Father's will and other times Heavenly Father's will is thrust upon us and we get to choose how we react.
-Heavenly Father does have a plan for each one of us and often times it's different than our own plan.
-I have the most supportive friends and family that make the toughest of trials a little more bearable. I already knew this, but it's been reconfirmed this time around.