Reflecting

I have a few other posts that I've been meaning to get written, but after the last few days, they seem much less important now.  This week I was once again reminded how precious life is.  There were 2 instances I know of where people lost a precious child.  One was a complete stranger that I heard about through Facebook. This couple had a little girl that was stillborn. The other was Tagg's cousin.  Amber and Nick's little girl was born 4 weeks early and a few days after she was born, she passed away due to complications they found at birth. Needless to say, the days following her death were a little rough for me.

Whenever I hear of someone losing a child, it affects me so much.  Not only does my heart ache for them, but it is a reminder of all I've been through.  My mind starts reliving the days, weeks and months following Zach's death.  I have to remind myself that I didn't just lose Zach as the feelings become so intense again.  I think about all Amber and Nick are going through.  Things that many people don't necessarily think about.  The stress of planning a funeral, and getting all the paperwork in order to transport your baby from the hospital to the mortuary.  They don't just let you take your baby.  You have to fill out paperwork and bring a cooler to transport the baby.  I'm so glad my family took care of all of that for me.  I don't think I could've handled it.  Her milk is going to come and there is no way to relieve the pain.  They have to go home and take down the crib, and box up baby clothes and toys. The feelings of pain that come as you look at everyone around you that is pregnant and having kids without any complications.  The emptiness you feel inside and the emptiness your arms feel as they long to have a baby to hold. The pain of watching everyone else move on with their life while your are living your worst nightmare and time seems to stop for a while.  The people that don't acknowledge anything you've been through when they see you, probably because they don't know what to say.  And as a tip for those that don't know what to say, just say something! A simple I'm sorry and a hug will do.  Then, in the years following, the dreaded question that I still don't always know how to answer, "How many kids do you have?" There are so many things that are a constant reminder of all you lost.

That being said, I'm grateful for all I've been through.  In Young Women's, the lesson on Sunday was on why we have adversity.  A quote was shared from Elder D. Todd Christofferson that sums up perfectly how I feel about the trials I've been through. “Though I suffered then, as I look back now, I am grateful that there was not a quick solution to my problem. The fact that I was forced to turn to God for help almost daily over an extended period of years taught me truly how to pray and get answers to prayer and taught me in a very practical way to have faith in God. I came to know my Savior and my Heavenly Father in a way and to a degree that might not have happened otherwise or that might have taken me much longer to achieve. … I learned to trust in the Lord with all my heart. I learned to walk with Him day by day.”

I'm grateful that I'm now almost 3 years away from losing Zach.  The months following his death were almost unbearable.  I felt like I would never be truly happy again.  I'd pray for peace and comfort on a daily basis.  It came so slowly that I didn't recognize the change daily, but I know I was carried through those months by a loving Heavenly Father. I can now say, that while losing Zach was awful and I never want to go through anything like it again, there are other trials that are worse that I'm so grateful I don't have to endure.  I can honestly say that losing Zach has blessed my life and my family more than I ever thought possible.  Zach's example keeps us going and keeps us focused on what's really important.  I've learned to be a better mom and enjoy the ups and downs of motherhood.  I've developed a relationship with my Heavenly Father that I couldn't have formed any other way.  And I'm a different person now, because of all I've learned and been through. I know that if we let them, our trails can become not only great blessings to us, but to others as well.