2 steps forward...1 step back

I feel like this is how things are going right now.  Most days, I'm doing pretty good.  Other days, I take a step back.  Sometimes it feels like it's a huge step which can get discouraging.  I am grateful though that the good days outweigh the bad.  Sunday was really rough.  There were a lot of other factors that were working together, but I burst into tears 3 times at church and couldn't stop crying. A lady with her sweet 2 month old baby girl sat in front of me in Relief Society.  That little baby looked right into my soul with her big, precious eyes.  I started feeling those feelings of anger and jealousy that I hadn't felt this time around.  Wondering why this blessing had been taken from me again.  I felt like I was taking a huge step back.  I took Beckett into nursery the last few minutes of church and the sweet nursery worker said, "So I hear you're expecting!"  Again, tears started coming uncontrollably.  That's been the hard thing about being in a new ward.  This whole realignment as been awful timing!  The 1st Sunday we were there I said that I was pregnant. A few days later is when we lost the baby.  So, the news is making its way around that I'm pregnant, and people don't know that we lost the baby.  I apologized to the sister for bursting into tears and she felt awful that she brought it up.  That was the 3rd time in 2 days that someone asked about the pregnancy. The day before at a ward party someone asked me if I knew what we were having and someone else talking to Tagg said they heard we were expecting another baby.  The look of horror that comes across people's faces as we tell them what happened is something I hate.  I know they feel bad for saying something and I try to make them feel as good as I can about asking because how are they supposed to know anything different?  They are trying to be friendly and instead it turns into a really awkward exchange.  All day Sunday I just felt this big cloud of depression over me.  It was awful.  That night I had Tagg give me another blessing and that helped SO much.  He said some amazing things that are helping me have faith and hope in the future.
The past few days have been much better so I feel like I'm moving in the right direction again.  I've been thinking a lot about the timing of losing this baby and here's what I've come up with.  If I had lost the baby any earlier, it would've been a miscarriage.  Still hard, but I wouldn't have thought anything was wrong or that I needed to do anything differently with my next pregnancy because miscarriages are somewhat common.  I also didn't have to lose the baby at 32 weeks like I did with Zach.  A very tender mercy as that would've been unbearable.  I think this happened when it did to help me know I need to take the blood thinner shots every day like I did with B, but not make me go through the heartbreak of having another stillbirth late in pregnancy.  Maybe this thinking is totally wrong, but it helps me feel better about trying again.  For those of you that don't know, we never really found out what happened with Zach.  I had a bunch of tests done and they found that it maybe, but probably wasn't, a blood clot.  With Beckett my doctor had me take a shot of Lovenox every day.  I HATED it!  So painful and right in the stomach.  With this pregnancy, I have a different doctor and he said there are a lot of risks with taking a blood thinner and nothing has ever been proven that it works anyway.  He left it up to me and I decided to not take the shots.  Sometimes I wonder if all of this would've happened if I took the shots, but no one will ever know so I try to not beat myself up about that.  I've decided that next time around though, I'm going with what works.  A shot everyday no matter how painful and scared of shots I am because it worked and got Beckett here safely.  Hopefully it will make a difference next time around.

As far as an update on the rest of life, things are good.  Tagg was called as the Ward Mission Leader.  I, of course, was called as the Primary Pianist.  Good news though, Beckett gets to start going to nursery next week, a whole month early, because Tagg and I will both be busy the 2nd hour.  Wohoo!  Here are a few pictures of Beckett since I haven't put any up in a few weeks.
Here's Beckett just being his cute self and practicing his smile.

 Beckett on Sunday morning in his church socks and my headbands.

 How many John Deere things can you spy in this picture?

 Beckett is obsessed with toilets!  I have to keep the doors closed all the time or he plays in the water and puts stuff in it.  Thank goodness it was just a roll of toilet paper this time.

 And this is what B does when you say no to him.

 I was going through the pictures on my camera and found a bunch that were all taken of Beckett after he ate.  Messy boy!

 Beckett wearing Tagg's hat.

Words cannot express how much we love this little boy and how grateful we are he is in our lives!