Tender Mercies

Today has been a rough day.  It's the one week mark so everything has been on my mind a lot.  I walked past the baby clothes at Target and couldn't help but feel sad about the little girl I won't get to hold and dress up in January.  I have trouble fitting into my clothes since I'm at a weird in between stage right now with not being pregnant, but not fitting into the pre-pregnancy clothes. I want to wear sweats all day which doesn't help me feel any better about everything. Sometimes I have moments of wondering if Heavenly Father is really aware of me.  Does he really know what I, Katie, am going through.  I know the answer is YES.  Yes with all capitals, which is why I'm writing this post.  On a night like tonight, I need to remember the tender mercies that Heavenly Father put into my life during this trial.
To start off, when I first got pregnant, Tagg gave me a preisthood blessing.  I wanted his to say that everything was going to be great.  I wanted him to say we would have a healthy, happy baby.  But he didn't.  In fact, he said things that really worried me.  He said that no matter what happens, eternally, this would be our baby.  After he was done giving me the blessing he said he was sorry that he couldn't say everything was going to be okay, but he just didn't feel like he should say that.  To be honest, I was a little upset.  I felt worse after the blessing than I did before.  We decided to say a prayer together and we both felt such a sense of peace.  I really felt like everything was going to be okay.  At least I was able to go through 17 weeks of pregnancy somewhat worry free.  Heavenly Father has His own way of answering our prayers.  While I thought that feeling of peace meant everything was going to be okay with baby, I've come to realize that that feeling of peace meant that things would be okay because this was in Heavenly Father's plan for us.
When we were in St. George in August, we went out to eat with Mag and Christopher.  While we were eating, a family came in that they knew.  They told us about how this family had just lost a baby at 15 weeks of pregnancy.  I made the comment that losing a baby at 15 weeks would be really hard because I wasn't sure how I would deal with it.  Eternally would that baby be mine or not?  I remember talking to Tagg a little bit more about the situation and I said I didn't think I would want to hold the baby if that happened.  Tagg said he would and that's exactly what happened after I delivered the baby.  Tagg held her, I didn't.  Was Heavenly Father preparing me for when I would lose this baby?  I don't know but I was able to think about how I would handle the situation if it ever arose.  
As we were in the hospital, a man from our ward, Kevin, came to help Tagg give me a blessing.  When Kevin walked in he said he wanted us to know that he knew what we were going through.  A year ago, his wife was 3.5 months pregnant when they lost their baby and had to go through the same thing.  Kevin told us that the when the Elder's Quorum President called him to ask if he could come to the hospital he didn't know that Kevin and his wife and been through the same thing, but Kevin's name kept coming into his head as to who he should call.  It's nice to have people around that understand what you are going through when trials arise.
To understand the next tender mercy, I need to give a little back story. Two weeks ago our stake redid the boundaries and created 2 new wards.  This change ended up putting us in a ward that already existed.  There were 2 other families from our old ward that ended up in the ward with us.  One of the ladies from our old ward was called to be the Relief Society President of our new ward.  She came to visit me in the hospital and it was so nice to have someone come that I already knew.  As she was talking to me she told me that she lost one of her own pregnancies at 16 weeks and had to go through the same thing I was going through.  Again, a little tender mercy that Heavenly Father put her in my life at that time to comfort me and understand my heartache.
Another tender mercy I've had is not being angry.  I was so angry after I lost Zach at anyone that was pregnant or having a baby.  Why did they get to have the blessing of having a happy, healthy baby and I didn't?  As much as I hated feeling that anger, I couldn't keep myself from feeling it. This time around, I don't have that anger.  I think Beckett is the reason why, but it's been so nice to not feel the power that anger can have over your whole life.  Thank goodness this didn't happen during my 2nd pregnancy.
One of the biggest tender mercies has been the scriptures.  I've been trying to get caught up to where we are in Sunday School but with vacations and what not, it just hasn't been happening.  The day I got home from the hospital I just happened to be reading in the Book of Mormon in Alma 31:31&38: "O Lord, my heart is exceedingly sorrowful; wilt thou comfort my soul in Christ. O Lord, wilt thou grant unto me that I may have strength, that I may suffer with patience these afflictions which shall come upon me...yea, and he also gave them strength, that they should suffer no manner of afflictions, save it were swallowed up in the joy of Christ."  I then went on to read in Alma 32: 21 "And now as I said concerning faith--faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things; therefore if ye have faith ye HOPE for things which are not seen."  Verse 43 says, "Then, my brethren, ye shall reap the rewards of your faith, and your diligence, and patience, and long-suffering, waiting for the tree to bring forth fruit unto you."  I can't even explain how much these verses touched my heart.  Had I read these chapters the day before this all happened, I don't think I would've learned or understood them as much as I do now.  I guess being behind the scheduled lesson was a blessing in this case as those were the exact words I needed to read at that time.  I'm told in my patriarchal blessing that many of my blessings will come through my faithfulness. I've had trouble having faith in the future because every time I get a little bit of faith, fear creeps in and overtakes my faith.  I've heard so many stories about other women and the trials they had to bear to get their children here.  I start thinking that all of those things are going to happen to me.  I want to have lots of kids and I want to be done having kids when I decide to be done, not when a doctor tells me I need to be done.  I try to keep reminding myself that everyone has their own path in getting their family here and my path isn't going to look exactly like any other path.  I'm trying to "exercise a particle of faith" in my future.  It's a teeny, tiny particle, but I'm doing the best I can to make it bigger.
I've found that when I go through trying experiences, I think that spending money will help me feel better.  As I walked around Target I was SO close to buying Tagg a new TV for the bedroom.  I also thought about buying new couches that aren't 20 years old and powder blue for our living room.  Neither one of those things ended up happening which is a good thing I guess.  Instead I bought a new obnoxiously bright nail polish color and I'm going to give myself a pedicure.  
I'm grateful that even when I'm having rough days, I can remember that Heavenly Father is aware of me.  He is aware of each one of us and what we are going through and we just need to recognize the tender mercies he puts in our lives no matter how big or small they may be.  
I will end with a quote my cousin put on her facebook.  It's from Elder Faust, “Everybody in this life has their challenges and difficulties. That is part of our mortal test. The reason for some of these trials cannot be readily understood except on the basis of faith and hope because there is often a larger purpose which we do not always understand. Peace comes through hope.” Here's to hoping for a more peaceful tomorrow.