26+ weeks

I'm over 26 weeks now in the pregnancy.  I'm glad, but I still feel like I have an eternity to go.  I keep saying I hope the next few months go quickly, but at the same time, I want to enjoy all the time I have with Beckett before there's another little one demanding my attention.  Beckett is at such a fun age so I keep reminding myself that even if the next few months drag on, I need to enjoy it.  It has almost been a year since pregnancy 3 started.  That means I've spent the last year, minus two months in-between, pregnant.  You can understand why still having 3 months to go seems like forever.  I'm so ready to be done with pregnancy, but I'm thankful this little guy is still cooking and moving around often.

Things are going pretty well I think.  It's been a while since I went to the doctor.  I was supposed to go to my high risk doctor a few weeks ago, but after going three times and paying him over 1,200 bucks I decided my wallet can't afford it.  I don't understand how he can get away with charging such outrageous amounts, but apparently he can.  The last bill I got was for over $2,500! Luckily my insurance has an agreeable amount that they/I can pay which was $565. I get a 15 minute ultrasound when I see him.  He's charging over $165/minute for his time and expertise.  Is that legal?  Apparently.  Anyway, after talking to Tagg about it we decided we wouldn't go back to him until I went to my regular OB again and discussed the situation with them.  I don't like the high risk doctor anyway and according to him, people lose their pregnancies all the time and what I've gone through is normal. When he told Tagg and I that, I had to control every bone in my body to not reach out and punch him. He's a high risk doctor, of course he sees people who have lost pregnancies a lot because that is what he does!  Most people don't have to go through what I go through though I can promise you that! He says I should keep coming to him so he can monitor the growth of the baby, but I'd rather just have my regular OB do that without the insane charges to go along with it.  The world of high risk pregnancy is a crazy and very expensive world to be in!
I get tested for gestational diabetes at my next appointment and I'm hoping I won't have it this time like I did with Beckett.  It's not that big of a deal, but just another added expense if I have to get another doctor involved.
I'm grateful that I feel him move often, but if I ever notice a lack of movement for a little while I start to panic rather quickly.  He's usually most active in the morning and in the evening so if I don't feel him pretty soon after I wake up, I get nervous.  On Easter, I hadn't felt him move all morning.  We went to church and I still hadn't felt him move.  I kept praying and tried to eat sugary things that morning and still nothing.  I was already mentally preparing for going into the hospital later that day and having them tell me there was no longer a heartbeat.  I was thinking how it would be another holiday that would be hard as we lost Zach on Mother's Day.  However, during the 3rd hour of church I finally felt 2 kicks.  It was such a relief.  I hate that I panic so quickly, but what else can I do?  People tell me everything will be okay and that he's okay even if I haven't felt him move, but I know the reality of that not being true so it's hard to not panic.
I'm still not to the excited point, and honestly I kind of don't think I'll get there until he's in my arms.  I guess that's okay. My friend is throwing me a shower which in a pregnancy that has not been fun or exciting, I guess is giving me something to look forward to.
I also have guilt for at times still wanting a girl.  There are tons of people in my ward that are pregnant and all but me and one other are having girls.  People ask me if I know what I'm having and I tell them another boy.  I feel bad because I think they think I don't want a boy.  However, most of them don't know my history.  They don't know I've had two boys already because all they see is Beckett.  They don't know I was pregnant with a girl and lost that pregnancy. Plus I spent the first few months of this pregnancy sure I was having a girl because my pregnancy this time was exactly like last time and very different from Zach and Beckett. Anyway, I am happy that Beckett will have a little brother to pal around with, but at some point I really hope I have a girl.
At the most I have just under 12 weeks left. Maybe less depending on when they decide to induce me.  I guess the countdown is on. Here's to hoping and praying for a smooth and uneventful end to this pregnancy.